Just Ask Y: Looking for the one way road out of crazy dating

by Chelsea Castner
Published January 14, 2013 in Relationships

How come it’s so hard to meet a normal guy in this city?  

If we have a mutual friend on Facebook then I can message him, right?

If he doesn’t text me before 11 PM then I’m deleting his number from my phonebook.  

I see on Instagram he’s at Bounce, maybe I should just show up? (…What? Omg, this is such a coincidence!?!)

Okay I know how that sounds: single, young women are crazy! But give me a moment to defend Gen Y women and why they think this way; and if you’re a Gen Y woman, I’ll be giving you some of my own advice.

The dating world today is more confusing than for any generation before. Friends are no longer going to the ice cream parlor to flirt by the jukebox while sipping on a root beer float (there goes meeting the next Danny Zucco). And when was the last time anyone was invited to a party at a friend’s fabulous Soho loft with single artists and musicians (thank Carrie Bradshaw for creating that impossible perception of NYC dating life)?

Yesterday, The New York Times style section had a great article titled The End of Courtship.  Although, I don’t believe that courtship has vanished. It just resurrected itself in a new form, adapted to the changing times. A man coming to the door with a bouquet of flowers before dining with you at his favorite restaurant is probably not a reality for many Gen Y women. However, “have a good day” from the guy in line behind you at Starbucks can be!

Here’s my two cents for Gen Y women stuck in dating crazytown (I’m slowly relocating myself from here as well). Women need to stop beating themselves up over what their dating life looks like, or rather doesn’t look like. Comparing your present situation to movies, friends or what you’ve heard from previous generations, only keeps you stuck in the place of “why not me?” When women start this mental pity party, the floodgates open to crazy, irrational thoughts: “He probably didn’t ask for my number because…. I was having a fat day/I don’t know the difference between an inning and a quarter/my hair wasn’t straightened.”

If women shift their expectations on how they will meet a man they can open themselves up to more opportunities. Even a smile on the subway is a great start; a woman would feel pretty darn great about herself walking into work at 9AM already having a modern day courtship experience.

By no means should women lower expectations in the qualities a man should possess (I have polite, respectful and genuine chiseled in stone on my manly must-have list). What needs to change is the pressure women put on themselves to be approached in situations that rarely exist.

So ladies, take a moment and tell yourself: my thoughts are not crazy, they are just confused and out of date. What is crazy is acting on those confused thoughts. So please refrain from intense social media stalking and tipsy text messaging!

There is a ton more I want to share about dating as a Gen Y woman. Mostly from my own personal experience as a single lady, but I’m also hitting the streets and networking online to hear from other women who are looking for “love in a hopeless place.” So blast some tunes from our girl Rihanna and vow to stop thinking you’re crazy.

Tags: Dating, Ego Protection, For Women, Gen Y, Good Intentions, Half Truth, Just Ask a Woman, Just Ask Y, Marketing to Women, marketing with women in mind, Millennials, New York Times, Psychology, Relationships, Whole Truths

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A Mother’s Prayer and a Daughter’s Dream: The God Box just made the New York Times bestsellers list!

by Mary Lou Quinlan
Published May 18, 2012 in Media, News

I am so excited to share this incredible news. The New York Times just named “The God Box” to their bestseller list. This is a huge thrill for me and I can only think of Mom who was the reason for the story and more than that, the reason I believed I could write. Even though I can hear her now saying, “I knew this would happen,” I have to admit, I am over the moon with joy, gratitude and that feeling that comes with doing what you love. Thanks so much to all my friends and family who were behind me every step of the way. This is your story, your success too.

Tags: Books, Mary Lou Quinlan, New York Times, New York Times Best Seller, Press, The God Box, the God Box project

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Back Atcha

by Mary Lou Quinlan
Published May 13, 2009 in Work

This week’s New York Times piece “Backlash:Women Bullying Women at Work” raises an issue I get ticked off about. (Not enough to shove someone, like the ”FemBullies” in the article supposedly do, but pretty darn mad.)  Because although there are bullies of both genders, I think women get the worse rap. 

Whenever I’ve spoken about workplace stress, someone asks, “Don’t you think it’s harder to work for a woman than a man?” inevitably followed by “My last boss was such a B___, (rhymes with “Witch).” Women conveniently file bullying male bosses under “whatever”. But women can’t get over being badly treated by another woman. 

Why are we harder on women? Because we expect more. We expect a woman to be fairer, more understanding, more ‘like me’. Sometimes she is. Sometimes, she’s just a jerk. But she’s neither forgiven nor forgotten and her memory lingers like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Tempers.  

Why does this tick me off? Because every time a woman piles on this myth, she’s hurting the chances for other women to advance. In fact, she’s hurting herself, too. If the powers that be buy into the watercooler line that ‘a woman will never fly around here,’ she won’t. Men and women are equally capable of being terrific colleagues. Mean-ness doesn’t discriminate by gender. (And one wonders, who inadvertently taught women bullying tactics in the first place?) 

C’mon! We are bigger than these petty schoolyard antics. (Even if sometimes we’d like to slug someone.) 

Tags: New York Times, Psychology

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BFFs make you healthier!

by Jen Drexler
Published April 21, 2009 in Health

I was thrilled to see today’s New York Times and Tara Parker Pope’s  column (I heart her writing SO much)that confirmed that friendships among women actually correlate with better health.  It makes perfect sense.  More than once I have been inspired by a friend who starts a new regime.  My online group of moms made sure that I didn’t ignore my lingering flu and I never knew what sassy water was until I ran into my friend Jen at a shoe store.  (She has lost more than 100 lbs and is worth listening to!) My mammogram was easier to handle because my friend told me what to expect. 

“In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated,” said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. The experts have spoken and I say Hell Yeah!

While much of the evidence is anecdotal (women with more friends have less stress and therefore get fewer colds) there are some long term studies to back up the theory.  So hooray for women’s friendships.  Plus I will live to be 200 years old since I’m still friends with my mates from pre-K (and pre-Facebook).

Tags: New York Times

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Now We Know Why it Works!

by Mary Lou Quinlan
Published January 28, 2009 in Health

We’re big fans of Tim Manners’ Reveries.com because it gives us our daily dose of marketing inspiration. But this piece really hit home. Tim writes about a new book by Dacher Keltner called “Born to be Good,” which reveals the power of touching and of sharing emotions. Manners quotes a review by Janet Maslin of The New York Times, “that laughing, blushing, touching, teasing, loving, empathizing and other not-very-scientific-seeming subjects can be methodically analyzed in terms of their importance to our survival.”  She continues that “A professor at the University of California at Berkeley, Dacher’s methods include elements of social science, neuroscience and clinical psychology.” Dacher explains, for example, “that touching … is a physiological way of encouraging cooperative behavior (and) that embarrassment is a way to deflect combat.”

At Just Ask a Woman, we all breathed a collective “ahh”. For the past ten years, we’ve been the kind of touchers and the empathizers that add up to a marketing research traditionalist’s worst nightmare. Not a session with women goes by without a LOL from Jen, a sympathetic nod from Tracy or a hug from me. While it might seem more Oprah than Einstein, we’ve intuitively found that women open up to those who open up to them. It’s only natural. I’ll tell you about losing my dog when I realize it happened to you, too. I’ll admit that I took a bite out of a coffee cart donut, (a freebie from my favorite purveyor Nazir) and then you’ll tell me you ate an extra roll at dinner. Leading the witness? I don’t think so. Feeling her pain, regarding her dreams, reaching for what she’s hidden from someone else? That’s the way women work. Glad to know that science is catching up!

Tags: New York Times, Psychology

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